All you dirty-minded people probably thought this was going to be a lot more interesting of an entry than it will be. But I'm in Texas and that's all the relevance the title has to what I have to say today... And I know I'm probably the only dirty-minded one...
So, family is fun. I've laughed more tonight than I have in a long time and it's past 2 in the morning and I'm still awake. The thing is though, I don't think anything all that particularly funny happened. Soso (our lovely golden retriever) was trying to rape my brother's leg and I was trying, unsucessfully so far, to catch it on video. I hopped and skipped around as usual, it's my younger sister role. And that was about it. But it's nice to feel so relaxed that you get to be as goofy and nerdy as possible and laugh at your own jokes, and it's all good. I probably only ever feel like that with immediate family. With everyone else there's always some degree of guardedness so maybe at best they get 3/4 of me (which is probably good, full me is pretty damn nerdy)...
Anyhow, I know there will be some out there who will try to prevent this from happening, but I will get that footage of my brother and the dog. And when I do, it is definitely going on the blog.
Buenas noches!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
This one's gonna be random...
To be read while drinking chamomile tea and listening to Bob Marley's Guava Jelly (which is what I sing to my tree sometimes) because that's what I'm doing right now...
People give you strange looks when you're running through the rain with soaking wet jeans, no hood or umbrella, and a purse in your hand (maybe especially if the purse jingles)... But today's rain reminded me of washing my hair in the post-hurricane rain draining from the roof, when there was no water coming through our faucets yet. And then of monsoon rain that flooded up until streets became rivers you could take boats on and you wondered what the effects of sewer gunk mixed with rain water would be on your health as you waded through the streets in 3-inch-high flip flops (keeping it fashionable Bengali style)... So I had to run through the rain and laugh like I was an eight year old... I even thought of singing
My past rains have been tropical rains but northwest rain is cold and makes your hands turn red once you've been out in it for too long so it's nice to be home, heat on, hair drying out, and drinking tea...
Listening to the rain and being almost done with my first quarter of med school is putting me in my I've had such a great life and I love everyone mood so I'll finish by saying-- I'm lucky to have had such a great life and have met amazing people in it. I must have been a good little transgenic mouse in my past life (since I've decided I was a mouse in my past life).
And that's me for today!
People give you strange looks when you're running through the rain with soaking wet jeans, no hood or umbrella, and a purse in your hand (maybe especially if the purse jingles)... But today's rain reminded me of washing my hair in the post-hurricane rain draining from the roof, when there was no water coming through our faucets yet. And then of monsoon rain that flooded up until streets became rivers you could take boats on and you wondered what the effects of sewer gunk mixed with rain water would be on your health as you waded through the streets in 3-inch-high flip flops (keeping it fashionable Bengali style)... So I had to run through the rain and laugh like I was an eight year old... I even thought of singing
Que llueva, que llueva
la virgen en la cueva
los pajaritos cantan
las nubes se levantan
like a good little boricua girl.
Listening to the rain and being almost done with my first quarter of med school is putting me in my I've had such a great life and I love everyone mood so I'll finish by saying-- I'm lucky to have had such a great life and have met amazing people in it. I must have been a good little transgenic mouse in my past life (since I've decided I was a mouse in my past life).
And that's me for today!
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
Abraham
My grandmother has a green thumb. It makes sense I guess, she grew up in el campo with a father who cut sugar cane and practiced subsistence farming.
My mother, breaking the rule about traits skipping generations, also has a green thumb. But the third generation (or me) is very good at making leaves fall of trees and making things go from green to brown... even my one of my lucky bamboo started dying on me, making me wonder about the state of my luck...
Anyhow, I have this little bonsai tree purchased from Ikea on a whim this past summer that I keep killing. Every time I think it's dead, it sprouts a few leaves here and there. It's probably on its third life right now, after my brothers spent Thanksgiving asking me whether the tree had shed its leaves for the winter time. So I've finally fallen so into amazement at my little tree's persistence in staying alive and being reborn that I've become a faithful waterer, and I look at my little tree (which I've decided to name Abraham) everyday and root for it to thrive. And where I get philosophical with this is that I've started to identify with my little tree and trying to help it thrive has come to be like trying to help me thrive. I realize this needs an explanation.
So, for a little bit over a year now, I've been dealing with the fact that people make me nervous as I like to call it. According to the DSM IV and a psychologist, I fit the following criteria:
A. A marked and persistent fear of one or more social and performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be humiliating or embarrassing.
B. Exposure to the feared social situation almost invariably provokes anxiety, which may take the form of a situationally bound or predisoposed Panic Attack.
In feared social or performance situations, individuals with Social Phobia experience concerns about embarrassment and are afraid that others will judge them to be anxious, weak, "crazy," or stupid. They may fear public speaking because of concern that others will notice their trembling hands or voice or they may experience extreme anxiety when conversing with others because of fear that they will appear inarticulate. They may fear public speaking because of concern that others will notice their trembling hands or voice or they may experience extreme anxiety when conversing with others because of a fear of being embarrassed by having others see their hands shake. Individuals with Social Phobia almost always experience symptoms of anxiety (e.g., palpitations, tremors, sweating, gastrointestinal discomfort, diarrhea, muscle tension, blushing, confusion) in the feared social situations, and, in severe cases, these symptoms may meet the criteria for a Panic Attack. Blushing may be more typical of Social Phobia.
C. The person recognizes that the fear is excessive or unreasonable.
D. The feared social or performance situation are avoided or else are endured with intense anxiety or distress
E. The avoidance, anxious anticipation, or distress in the feared social or performance situation(s) interferes significantly with the person's normal routine, occupational (academic) functioning, or social activities or relationships, or there is marked distress about having the phobia.
F. In individuals under age 18 years, the duration is at least 6 months
G. The fear or avoidance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition and is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., Panic Disorder With or Without Agoraphobia, Separation Anxiety Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, or Schizoid Personality Disorder).
H. If a general medical condition or another mental disorder is present, the fear in Criterion A is unrelated to it, e.g., the fear is not of Stuttering, trembling in Parkinson's disease, or exhibiting abnormal eating behavior in Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa
which means people making me nervous is officially an anxiety disorder called Social Phobia.
Now I've always had a bit of an issue with public speaking and getting nervous talking to authority figures, but in the past year and a half it did get to the point of avoidance (and blushing, and palpitations, and tremors)-- not talking to a professor about a grading error because the idea of it made me so nervous, not presenting an extra-credit presentation because I didn't want to stand in front of a group, etc, etc. I was trying to deal with it on my own for a while because, well mainly it was a lack of health insurance thing, but also psychological things do seem like they should be in your control. If I know my fear is irrational, then why can't I just tell myself that and change, right? But that's just not the way it works.
The way I like to think of it at this moment is that people's threshold's for different things are different. Like some people have a lower pain threshold than others. Well, I think I have a lower sympathetic nervous system trigger than other people maybe. It takes less to set off my stress reaction. I've always had a low trigger for this kind of stress but then I guess experience made my trigger think it was right in being so sensitive, so it decided to be even more so. And now I'm trying to reset it. So there I get back to Abraham.
I feel like these past few months, I've been focused a lot in getting back to where I was at when I felt the most confident-- in New York. I've gone to counseling, I take medication, I try to take steps to get comfortable with things again such as not taking meds for my last small group presentation and my last patient interview (woo hoo!!!). I, like Abraham, am struggling to put new leaves out and get back to a better me. Sometimes things are better (like getting coaxed into reading my poetry and having it be alright) and sometimes things are worse (like hanging back at a party or social setting until I have a drink-- self medication) but I'm working at it and hopefully I'll get to my second life soon...
And a last by the way-- I decided to post about this because there is such a stigma with psychological disorders (why disorders? i like uniquenesses) and it's a whole vicious circle because the people going through it feel stigma about it themselves and so hide it. So I decided to put it all out there in a little attempt at destigmatizing...
My mother, breaking the rule about traits skipping generations, also has a green thumb. But the third generation (or me) is very good at making leaves fall of trees and making things go from green to brown... even my one of my lucky bamboo started dying on me, making me wonder about the state of my luck...
Anyhow, I have this little bonsai tree purchased from Ikea on a whim this past summer that I keep killing. Every time I think it's dead, it sprouts a few leaves here and there. It's probably on its third life right now, after my brothers spent Thanksgiving asking me whether the tree had shed its leaves for the winter time. So I've finally fallen so into amazement at my little tree's persistence in staying alive and being reborn that I've become a faithful waterer, and I look at my little tree (which I've decided to name Abraham) everyday and root for it to thrive. And where I get philosophical with this is that I've started to identify with my little tree and trying to help it thrive has come to be like trying to help me thrive. I realize this needs an explanation.
So, for a little bit over a year now, I've been dealing with the fact that people make me nervous as I like to call it. According to the DSM IV and a psychologist, I fit the following criteria:
A. A marked and persistent fear of one or more social and performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be humiliating or embarrassing.
B. Exposure to the feared social situation almost invariably provokes anxiety, which may take the form of a situationally bound or predisoposed Panic Attack.
In feared social or performance situations, individuals with Social Phobia experience concerns about embarrassment and are afraid that others will judge them to be anxious, weak, "crazy," or stupid. They may fear public speaking because of concern that others will notice their trembling hands or voice or they may experience extreme anxiety when conversing with others because of fear that they will appear inarticulate. They may fear public speaking because of concern that others will notice their trembling hands or voice or they may experience extreme anxiety when conversing with others because of a fear of being embarrassed by having others see their hands shake. Individuals with Social Phobia almost always experience symptoms of anxiety (e.g., palpitations, tremors, sweating, gastrointestinal discomfort, diarrhea, muscle tension, blushing, confusion) in the feared social situations, and, in severe cases, these symptoms may meet the criteria for a Panic Attack. Blushing may be more typical of Social Phobia.
C. The person recognizes that the fear is excessive or unreasonable.
D. The feared social or performance situation are avoided or else are endured with intense anxiety or distress
E. The avoidance, anxious anticipation, or distress in the feared social or performance situation(s) interferes significantly with the person's normal routine, occupational (academic) functioning, or social activities or relationships, or there is marked distress about having the phobia.
F. In individuals under age 18 years, the duration is at least 6 months
G. The fear or avoidance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition and is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., Panic Disorder With or Without Agoraphobia, Separation Anxiety Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, or Schizoid Personality Disorder).
H. If a general medical condition or another mental disorder is present, the fear in Criterion A is unrelated to it, e.g., the fear is not of Stuttering, trembling in Parkinson's disease, or exhibiting abnormal eating behavior in Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa
which means people making me nervous is officially an anxiety disorder called Social Phobia.
Now I've always had a bit of an issue with public speaking and getting nervous talking to authority figures, but in the past year and a half it did get to the point of avoidance (and blushing, and palpitations, and tremors)-- not talking to a professor about a grading error because the idea of it made me so nervous, not presenting an extra-credit presentation because I didn't want to stand in front of a group, etc, etc. I was trying to deal with it on my own for a while because, well mainly it was a lack of health insurance thing, but also psychological things do seem like they should be in your control. If I know my fear is irrational, then why can't I just tell myself that and change, right? But that's just not the way it works.
The way I like to think of it at this moment is that people's threshold's for different things are different. Like some people have a lower pain threshold than others. Well, I think I have a lower sympathetic nervous system trigger than other people maybe. It takes less to set off my stress reaction. I've always had a low trigger for this kind of stress but then I guess experience made my trigger think it was right in being so sensitive, so it decided to be even more so. And now I'm trying to reset it. So there I get back to Abraham.
I feel like these past few months, I've been focused a lot in getting back to where I was at when I felt the most confident-- in New York. I've gone to counseling, I take medication, I try to take steps to get comfortable with things again such as not taking meds for my last small group presentation and my last patient interview (woo hoo!!!). I, like Abraham, am struggling to put new leaves out and get back to a better me. Sometimes things are better (like getting coaxed into reading my poetry and having it be alright) and sometimes things are worse (like hanging back at a party or social setting until I have a drink-- self medication) but I'm working at it and hopefully I'll get to my second life soon...
And a last by the way-- I decided to post about this because there is such a stigma with psychological disorders (why disorders? i like uniquenesses) and it's a whole vicious circle because the people going through it feel stigma about it themselves and so hide it. So I decided to put it all out there in a little attempt at destigmatizing...
Saturday, December 2, 2006
The Mountain
Seattle's gray fame is, except for the very short summer, well deserved. Most days I wake up to clouds and rain, and I walk home in full darkness at six o'clock after a day spent in the Health Sciences building. But every once in a while, the sun makes a comeback and the days or weeks of missing it make it so much sweeter when it finally arrives. The sweetest though, is days like today, when it's clear enough to see the mountain from my window.
This past summer my friend Caroline kept almost causing car accidents while looking for the mountain. I've become similarly obsessed... It's my own little superstition that days when I can see Mount Rainier from my window will be extra good. It's not that the mountain has become my lucky charm, but there's something about starting your day out by seeing something beautiful... I sit on the arm of the couch, with a bowl in one hand and spoon in the other, and just look at the mountain.
When I lived in Bangladesh, I would wake up, walk out of my room, and, through a crack in the curtains covering her doorframe, I would see my host mother starting out her day with the first of five daily prayers. I was always impressed by the sense of peace it must bring to start out your day by giving thanks so I started doing the same-- while my Auntie prayed in her room, I'd pray in mine. She'd bow down on a prayer mat, I'd kneel on a concrete floor and bow my head down... It's a habit that hasn't lasted unfortunately. These days I forget to start the mornings with something peaceful or beautiful. More often than not and my prayers go towards making the coffee pot boil faster. So it's nice when nature surprises me, and makes me stop, contemplate, and start the day right.
It was a good day today. Perfect even. I have yet to crack a book for my exam on Monday but I got to talk to my family, I got to walk by a beach, and I got to spend time with a friend so I'm feeling at peace...
This past summer my friend Caroline kept almost causing car accidents while looking for the mountain. I've become similarly obsessed... It's my own little superstition that days when I can see Mount Rainier from my window will be extra good. It's not that the mountain has become my lucky charm, but there's something about starting your day out by seeing something beautiful... I sit on the arm of the couch, with a bowl in one hand and spoon in the other, and just look at the mountain.
When I lived in Bangladesh, I would wake up, walk out of my room, and, through a crack in the curtains covering her doorframe, I would see my host mother starting out her day with the first of five daily prayers. I was always impressed by the sense of peace it must bring to start out your day by giving thanks so I started doing the same-- while my Auntie prayed in her room, I'd pray in mine. She'd bow down on a prayer mat, I'd kneel on a concrete floor and bow my head down... It's a habit that hasn't lasted unfortunately. These days I forget to start the mornings with something peaceful or beautiful. More often than not and my prayers go towards making the coffee pot boil faster. So it's nice when nature surprises me, and makes me stop, contemplate, and start the day right.
It was a good day today. Perfect even. I have yet to crack a book for my exam on Monday but I got to talk to my family, I got to walk by a beach, and I got to spend time with a friend so I'm feeling at peace...
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